Just Dance.

Ok so I totally just had a moment of total and complete eye opening experience.... And it kinda sucks.... You know how sometimes when you're wanting something so bad and you almost have it but to finish getting there you have to loose something else you love to have that thing.... Or like when a dancer is getting ready for a big show... and it's either have this one chance and take the opportunity to go out with this amazing guy or practice for your show.... it's one or the other and you have to chose? Or the fact that you know you had the chance for something that could have possibly been amazing... and you couldn't take it because you had other "responsibilities"? And it's something you want so bad you can see yourself in that situation.... but then someone finally wakes up and makes you smell Utah Lake stench around you and you realize that it was a dream and that's all it'll ever be? Thats the moment I just had.... So my whole life I'd always want to talk to my mom and sometimes I'd wait till she'd get in bed and start to go to sleep and that's when I'd go in and lay next to her and do dumb things to not let her sleep because I really want to talk to her about something but either I didn't realize that I did or what it was about or just couldn't find the right words to start off... I know she knows what I'm talking about... because she caught me doing this tonight... and I just layed there and I said idk if there really is anything I want right now... I just wanted to come lay in her with you for a min..... Well little did I know that my subconcious self that likes to not let me in on a little secret until it's ready to either let me figure it out on my own or just spill it out like some dumb story....yeah it had a moment to just spill the beans tonight and open my own eyes up to something that I think I've finally realized and just never wanted to admit to it..... something that I've been dreaming about but finally just admited that I'll never probably get it... Anywho so this person we'll call her Kimberly, so Kimberly goes off and starts talking about how she just wishes she could dance.. just dance like she used to and just have dance. That's all there was to her life... that and her family. That's it. 2 things that meant so much to her... the answer to all of her problems. Just turn music on and let her go. She just talked about how it used to be.... Just dancing... no extra responsibilities to worry about... no job to have to work to earn the money to dance... no job in the middle of the day to take you away from the one thing that you've always loved and that will always be there... No dumb payments that you have to earn the money for by working... No free time to try to analyze what is going on in your life and where you're supposed to go from here... No sleepless nights wondering where did my life go? thinking what if... questioning when is it finally going to happen for me? When will I truly be happy again? And learning that that day might never come.... Thinking I'll never be able to see that rainbow that I saw that day after winning that trophy in front of the only people that really matter in my life. My family... I'll never be that kind of happy again... Realizing that yeah I finally made it to somewhere that's going to let me travel a little bit. Something that I'm more stoked about that so many things I've been stoked about... But realizing that I'll get to go there and it'll be amazing and absolutely wonderful... But I don't get to continue on to other places... Yeah sure she can talk all she wants about being this amazing aunt that just dances all day and just shows the world that you just need to do what you love and soemthing that you're good at and that things will be ok... the cool aunt that will travel all the corners of the earth to bring back cool stories and toys and pictures to always think about... Cool places that you can dream about... that she brought you a piece of back... Have little ones say I want to be like Aunt Kimini because she is amazing at something and she gets to go all these cool places that she once dreamed about too... These amazing wonderlands that she always wanted to go and now she's been.... The girl that was able to just walk away from so many things so that she could actually go after her one thing that she wants more than anything right now in life... and that's to just dance... To be able to dance all day without something coming into the back of your head saying you have to stop now and go back to your real mundane life where nothing that you really truly desire to happen right now like you want it to... So its hard to try to explain it from a third person so I'm just going to full out just say what I want to say... like a real journal entry.... I just want to dance. One simple sentence, one simple statement, but one dream that seems impossible... I just want to dance. Why? because It lets me be me... Dancing doesnt judge me, dancing doesn't look down on me, dancing is the thing that makes me so happy. I want to be there I want to make it to the top someday... not in a few years not in a generation and not in my dreams. I want to be there I want to dance how I've always dreamed of it. I want to make some little girl fall in love with dancing just like I did when I was a young child. I just want to dance.. I want to travel. I want to live my life to the fullest and go to all these amazing places that I see in my dreams. I want to actually be where I can dream myself to be. I don't want to see myself in a cropped picture in front of a background that I've never been. I want to go and live and smell the air their I want to be able to see these places first hand with my own eyes... Not from someone elses camera... from my own. I want to be able to have dance consume my life like it once did. Where I didn't have to worry about what some guy thought of me. Or how to say a stupid sentence to that kid in my class.. just to what? Get stepped on and thrown out all over again? No. I want to not have the time to think of the what ifs. I don't want to have the free time to think of how happy it makes me when I see that beautiful new baby boy Damian. And how when I cry because he is such a miracle and a precious thing and how much I love him... I don't want to think everytime I see him... I want one of my own. I want to be a mom. I want my own family. I want to have a miracle of my own in my own life. No I want to be able to see him and give him so much of the same love I'd give my own child, and still be able to give him the world from my own pocket. from my self to him.. Teach him things that you'd only learn if you were to travel to those other lands that are far away. I want to have my time so consumed that I can just hold of on my own or put that dream aside so that I can concetrate on having and accomplishing the things that I have to while I'm alone. While I have the chance to not have a shadow telling me where to go and what to do... I just want to dance. I want to see myself progress and look the way I look in my dreams. I want that to be a reality. The realization behind that is in all these places and these pictures or thoughts of me being in a far off land where I can just be me, I can just go and live my life and prove to myself that I can do Something for me... it's all just a dream.... yeah I'm on the tour team and we are going to blackpool and france and maybe spain.... but that's not everywhere I want to be and go... we'll have a schedule a limit... a time frame... I don't want that... I can dream and see myself there but then someone wakes me up. And I realize that that's the only way I'll ever see those places that's the only way I'll ever see myself like that.... I have other things in my life that I have to worry about... than to just be able to dance. One simple verb. To Dance. I don't know if anyone really understand what those 2 words mean to me... how bad right now I just want to Dance and do nothing else... To be able to accomplish something that I want something for me.. To go all those places for me and to be happy. That is the overall thing we all want and are striving for right? The pursuit of Happiness... I'm on that pursuit right now... just not giving it my all because I'm to scared. That Idk what I'd do without all the what if's going through my head... What could I accomplish if I could stop only seeing myself there... in a dream and finally see myself there for real? What then? I just want to dance and be able to forget everthing else and just go with it all.... just follow the flow of life.... to life out the one dream that most are so scared to live out... and just go for it... just stop being scared. just drop the things out of your life that aren't going to get you there and just go for it... just live your life the way you want to... in the minute and just free.... One day maybe I'll acheive that... maybe I won't but for now... I just want to dance... And I realized that it could be a real possibility that I might never be able to once again... Just Dance... I might never see myself in those places... I might actually regret things.... If I ask myself, If you die tomorrow will you be happy with how you ended, will you be happy with your life or how the whole picture was? and the fact that my answer would be no.... That's when I ask.... what is there to really live for unless you're going to just go for it? What is the point of being here if you're not truly happy? Why am I still here putting myself through the pain of reality that I am not ok if I never make it where I want to make it... I can't just say it's ok.. No problem... Not anymore... Not when my answer is no. I just want to escape from everything else and just dance... and never stop... never think what if I break my ankle tomorrow? I'd say that is impossible. You cant you must just dance. and never ever stop. Dance and you'll get there. Dance and you'll be happy. Find that one thing you're passionate about and just go for it. That's what dance is for me... So why can I not just dance. Why can't people see that that is all I want. I just want to dance. And forget of everything that I don't want to think of... just dance and not remember... just dance and not have the what ifs.... Who cares about that 'amazing boy' when you can dance and have the ultimate goal acheived. That's what I want. From now on when anyone asks what do you want. I will remember that sentence that simple phrase. I just want to Dance. I want to not be afraid anymore. My parents recently bought me a quote that is framed and just amazing and it's sitting in front of me and everytime I look at it I want to cry because I know for a fact I'm not spreading my wings like I need to... I'm not learning or moving where I want to go. I'm to afraid. It says: Until you spread your wings, You will have no idea how far you can fly! I will spread my wings and stop being afraid... because I know that if I do and once I start flying I'll never stop I'll go where I want to go. I'll see what I want to see and I'll dance when I want to dance. And nothing will ever stop me again. But until then... Reality of the real world must take place... :( and what you don't know is how unhappy I really am. Only I am finally catching a glimps of it.... and I still don't even understand it.... One day when I can Just Dance... Everything will fall into place... and that is something I just know and I can feel with my whole being. And that is where I will leave this entry. I'm tired of crying, I'll drowned out my new laptop if it gets any wetter... and that is me being honest.... oh well.... Peace out Hommies... Kim