It's been Awhile

Ok so I know it's been awhile since I've written anything so that's why I'm doing this now... Currently I'm laying in a hotel bed, in a suite... that costs like $500 for one night. Here's the story my uncle hasn't been able to come into town to see his son for awhile and his wife got sick so they ended up not being able to come in this weekend either.... so he asked my mom and me if we could please drive River out to him to see him. Of course we said yes. However... I didn't know this at first but he is pretty much paying us to lol... He is paying for our gas, our stay in this suite and everything... But even if he wasn't we still probably would have loved to do it. Something with me and my mom and traveling... we both love to... but neither of us really gets too.. that's what happens when you don't have very much money though... One day I will go anyways though.. I want to see the world and I shall... its no longer just something I've dreamed about well still do... it's officially on my goal list. not on the dream goal list either... the I will do this someday goal list. idk when but I will. So everything in life is actually going pretty good right now... I'm feeling so much happier. I have my testimony growing more each day and am receiving blessings that I never dreamed I would for learning to put God first in my life. By doing this I've learned that it keeps my family first in my life still... but in a different aspect that I couldn't see before... I'm learning more about myself than I ever have. I can now look back on my life and see things I could never see before. I am making a list of what I really want in my life and what I need in my life. And the more time goes by of course things change on occasion however I'm finding the things I want in my life to make more sense. When I wrote before about just wanting to dance... That was a childhood dream.. It was something I think I always dreamed of but knew would never be mine... its funny that all I wanted to do was dance... to dance all day and all night so that that's all I felt. I wanted to do that to hide how I felt. To hide my fears. To hide from myself. But by trying to push myself to do this... I ended up learning that I wasn't meant to do that.. I finally was able to grasp that I'm not supposed to be a dancer anymore... I will always be a dancer, I will always dance, I will always love it. But I've learned that there are more important things to life that dancing or one silly childhood dream. You see I learned to see that I had another dream long before I dreamed of Juilliard. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to learn to be somebody important in someone else's life, someone like I have in mine. Dancing has been a big part of my life.. but it isn't my whole life. I reached my goals. I reached the top the hardest goals I had set.. I made the touring team at the University. And not only that but then I made the competing World Championship Latin Medley team. I was good enough for that. I touched the top... And you know what I found out when I did.... It's not what I really wanted anymore. It's not something my body could physically handle. It put me in pain. both physically and emotionally. So I finally did what I knew I needed to do, it was time. So I walked away. I did not quit I did not give up. I learned a new love, a new happiness. It was me. By subjecting myself to all that I was trying to do I was really running away from myself. I just didn't know it. You see I was to afraid. To afraid to let go of the past and to afraid to let go of what I knew and find something else. I got so comfortable in my past and in a world that never changed... All I did was danced and then had a negative life. And honestly that's not a good thing... I was to scared to let go of stupid things that had happened that I just wanted to try to dance to run away and hide my feelings... I wanted to try to just forget that you have to feel to really live. I now feel as if a burden were lifted off of my shoulders. My life is amazing. The people around me, my surroundings, myself. But I couldn't see that before. Now I can. And I can feel too. I'm learning the gift of forgiveness, and the gift of moving on and finding something like happiness again. But this time I know that there are consequences. I know that with Joy there does come pain. But if there were no pain, there would be no joy, and then there would be no life. You can't truly be happy until you learn that sometimes you do have to hurt... Opposites attract and the world can't exist without them. And neither can we. I know that with every time I'm happy there will probably be a moment of sadness at some point of my life... but you know I've learned to be ok with that. I've learned that even with keeping the future in mind and never loosing sight of what you want you can still just live in the moment and not worry to much. Just like right now. I'm happy, maybe happier than I've been in a long time... maybe even since I was a young girl and I was up in the canyon with my family and I caught every ones capacity for their licenses for fishing and no one else caught a thing... lol My life is good. And I'm good. I have an amazing family. My dad provides for us and he is the best dad I could have ever asked for. He doesn't always understand things right, or do the right things, or even say the right things. But he is one of the best men I've ever known. He's changed my life for the better. I wouldn't ever think of praying to God to change one little thing about him.. unless he were sick and I wanted him to get better. My mom is person that I look towards as an example and as someone that I can only dream of being like. She is that special person that I have always looked towards to know that that's what I want to be. She means so much to me and she is a major stronghold for me. You know she is laying in a bed not 5 feet from me, and I know that I've told her a million times how much I love her and how much I look to her for guidance, support, love, example, role model, calmness serenity, and happiness, but I don't know as if she will ever know how much it really is. How much I truly love her and look to her. I couldn't and wouldn't ever ask, pray, or beg or even think about someone better existing... because I know that it's not possible. She might not believe that... but I know that it's true.. I just pray that she knows how much she really does mean to me and how much I really love her. My brother taught me so much... one thing he taught me was don't take things that you love and care about for granite... because you never know when they will be gone. He almost passed when he was younger... That was my first lesson of how much he really meant to me in my life. Idk what I would do without him. He is someone that I look to for so many different things... He's so great at so many things... but he just can't see it... I wished he could. he's one of the best people I know and have ever met. He's a top priority in my life and I think always will be. All of my family are amazing and i shall always think it. I have learned to put the gospel first and a top priority in my life... By doing so, I've found an amazing boyfriend in one of the best friends I have now. He has taught me so much, and in a short amount of time. And I just continue to learn from him. Every time I see him, every time he reads with me, and every time I can see a smile cross my face and know that it's real and it's not just a show for anyone. All and all my life is going really good right now... I think the only thing that I'm having a hard time with at the moment is the whole finding a new job thing... I need one of those.. that way I can transfer schools to the school where I have been able to find a new love at. And yet still be able to make my car payment so that I don't loose Baloo. But aside from that everything is looking up. My friends are all great. And being good examples to me as well. Well there is a little update on my life, and a little extra. Something that goes beyond the surface. Something that I was able to share, and hopefully have help in defining itself and just know that there is a reason for everything, and no matter what it is, there is always someone there next to you, that loves you and that does care what happens. I take that back, there is a couple people that feel that way. I know this because I'm one of them. and always will be... Don't ever forget that. I must go for now. I must rest this potnotted up head of mine so that it will hopefully stop pounding... And maybe tomorrow I'll write about how I sustained a concussion and how I came to the realization of how other things really do matter in life... I guess sometimes you just have to have an experience that will either make something or break something, for you to see the more important things in life. Like being happy. :) My love goes out to all of you who read this!!!! May you're day be blessed and let it go wonderful for you. Peace ~Kim